| Author |
Message |
    
Katharine Bain (Quickquack)
Starlite Member
Username: Quickquack
| | Posted on Saturday, May 21, 2005 - 01:29 pm: | 
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fall into these obsessions so intense,
a poison love as dense
that seeing such a face can light up falsely made up eyes,
so much more than sun or sky's light plans could so devise
the inner glow that so soft divides your face,
so assumed superior place,
darkness from your eyes of shrines, breaks out and shines
beauty in your voice rings out so loud and true, for not just i to view
countless pictures lie forver in our fate,
even when no music resonates
missing you so much, knowing nothing of times tender taunts and searing scream
shadows in its windows, between heartbeats lost one, two... three
fairytale once so true surrounds you once again, such naive beauty and child wonder
your one and only through such thunder
i know your every strand of hair, blonde and dirty fair
admiration you loath as diseases, yet nothing else my hunger pleases
adoration deep as craters in the moon, when pure and white
there must be this constant night,
shutters drawn so tight around that feeling true is long forgot,
of you i know all there is to know. of me you know not.
so now i talk from "underneath", the place you escaped from
your existence blurred from life's lonely song
scratched from reality's harsh limelight darkness, it found your weakness
this mocking verse and love perverse we sing together forever
and now, oh god, so cruel is envy and such an understandable sin
hail brother, the unspoken idol amongst the "peasants" that surround your wicked grin
becoming at once everything detested and loathed, your elegance too twisted in my hating din
and when i cannot turn around, when both your faces click with what i see
like some monster, rising free, choking, "its so hard to breathe" quotes your decree
strangely wanting no more from this horror filled fairytale dream
darkness tears were all i could give you, and in it ripples stopped so simply now
nothing known, and nothing gained, still able to sit to cry and frown
i need some help with this so any feedback would be greatly appreciated |
Dorothy Lee VanVeelen (Vando)
Starlite Member
Username: Vando
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 13, 2005 - 12:00 pm: |
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This is beautifully written, I love the choice of words, but I find that the lines tend to be a bit long. I like that the rhymes aren't predictable and incredibly obvious, there's some nice work here, but it needs to be shortened a bit. |
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