| Author |
Message |
    
Heather (Lawlesslorraine)
Starlite Member
Username: Lawlesslorraine
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 20, 2005 - 01:29 pm: | 
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I have his tee-shirt's torn to shreads,
Your dead to me
YOUR dead your dead
My bitter heart now hard instead
Your kisses leed me on the path that I lead
I hate you debate you
but you are to strong
your words off passionate tounge
only make me long
for your eyes and your arms
that come along with the harms in your charms,
chorus***
Ohh even sheep have teeth
He got us off course
because of whats underneath,
Even sheep have teeth
all that wool and fluff
Ohhh what lies beneath
Is A wolf
Roof--
Ahhhhhhh
***
Why are you
wearing his jacket
sharing his warmth
why are staring at me
like i got you off course
He cheated with you
your the one thats a fool
he loved me frist
My fist in your face
and its gunna get worst
chorus***
Ohh even sheep have teeth
He got us off course
because of whats underneath,
Even sheep have teeth
all that wool and fluff
Ohhh what lies beneath
Is A wolf
Roof--
***
Help me plz i dunno if this sounds stupid of not!
its not complete but im at a road block
By LawLess-Lorraine
© 2005 LawLess-Lorraine (All rights reserved)
to stomp out hate...is to also stomp out desire
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Dani Jackson (Dreamer2008)
Starlite Member
Username: Dreamer2008
| | Posted on Friday, January 13, 2006 - 07:16 am: |
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It is really good I enjoyed reading it...it sounds like a mad rock song or something!!! |
Heather (Lawlesslorraine)
Starlite Member
Username: Lawlesslorraine
| | Posted on Saturday, January 14, 2006 - 11:35 am: |
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thx im glad someone did
to stomp out hate...is to also stomp out desire
|
Pam Schwetz (Pamschwetz)
Starlite Member
Username: Pamschwetz
| | Posted on Tuesday, January 24, 2006 - 03:58 pm: |
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I can tell you were upset when you wrote this because of the typos and what it said...I find the best poetry/lyrics come out of true emotions in writing which is what you did here and it is great and it might be a good heavy metal head banger type song...that is what reading it feels like to me but who knows? That is just my opinion and I hope it helps...whatever style you are into...just the theme seemed heavy metal to me for some reason, but I could be wrong...Always trust your own instincts and feelings and thoughts and go with the flow and hopefully you will get creative support that we all need to keep the dream alive...You did a great job shooting straight from the heart with your art...Good job and good luck...Was there a tune in your head when you wrote it? Trust your instincts and go for it...Pam PS Check out my I Can Tell poem here and please leave a comment as a true artist it applies to you. Hope ya like it or comment on how it made you feel or if you like it or don't and why? We all need creative support...that is what we are here for...thanks...Pam
www.postpoems.com/members/pamschwetz
www.myspace.com/pamschwetz
www.geocities.com/pamschwetz/pamschwetz.html
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Michael .P (Mik3y)
Starlite Member
Username: Mik3y
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 14, 2006 - 08:03 am: |
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I'd focus on the chorus the verses flow reasonably well  The end part of the chorus is dynamite the point is driven home so hard it hurts, but the start is a bit rough. I really enjoyed this part "YOUR dead your dead
My bitter heart now hard instead" sounded very emo to me almost like the bang bang in a used song. I'm not a big emo fan but i can get something out of types of music. "Your kisses leed me on the path that I lead
I hate you debate you
but you are to strong
your words off passionate tounge
only make me long " this part here seems to prolong the chorus it just appears a little rough and reads like filler..after that the end line is quite tight so maybe just tidy that up a little.
This bit here is gold too packs the punch right when the song needs it "My fist in your face
and its gunna get worst"
I don't know about stupid but the first bit of the chorus and the middle bit of the first verse is a little rough. G.luck with it hope i've been of some help!
Michael william James
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