|Posted on Sunday, April 29, 2007 - 10:55 am: ||
'I think America is ready for a multilingual president," said Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-Bill) last week, responding to pesky critics who don't like the fact she uses various Southern accents, including Daisy Duke. And now they're pecking at her, mercilessly, the way chickens peck on a hen with a head sore.
I happen to think she's correct. America is ready for a president of multiple accents. President Bush talks cowboy when he wants. So why can't Hillary channel multiple Southern women if she so desires?
And if she wants to slip in and out of Southern and Northern accents like a Long Island mom playing Blanche DuBois at the community theater while her thumb is on the nuclear trigger, well, that's her business.
America might finally be ready for a white Yale Law School graduate from Park Ridge who is fluent in Southern Woman and various dialects, including Granny Clampett and Black Female Preacher. She commands many different voices -- and uses them without blushing -- as you may see for yourself on YouTube.
Years ago, she spoke excellent Tammy Wynette, in defending her Bill from the clutches of Yankee females who tried to take advantage of her man.
Recently, she's been using Black Female Preacher to appeal to black voters, first in Selma, and the other day in Manhattan, speaking to supporters of Rev. Al Sharpton.
"Kentucky Fried Hillary!" yowled the Drudge Report. Clinton was "adopting the Southern-fried lilt of a preacher at times," sniffed The New York Times, not generally the Bible of conservative opinion.
At that rally, she criticized fired New York radio host Don Imus for using racist language about black women. Then she compared herself to a White House cleaning lady.
"When I walk into the Oval Office in 2009, I'm afraid I'm going to lift up the rug and see so much stuff under there," she told the adoring crowd in a Southern accent, twanging her vowels. "You know, what is it about us always having to clean up after people?"
Imagine if Imus used a Southern accent in front of Rev. Al. The Rev would be so angry, he'd help Imus get his job back just to get him fired again.
And if Republicans -- black or white or Latino -- ever dared compare themselves to a cleaning lady, while using a Southern fried accent before a black audience, well, as Hillary might soon say, that fool would be hopping like a drunk duck on a hot griddle.
What if Republican John McCain tried talking like Forrest Gump while stumping for votes in Alabama? How would the Washington media establishment react? Would pundits fear him and edge away, the way you'd edge away from the man on the bus who tells you that the aliens just took his liver?
Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney better not put on fake Southern accents. He already has pandering problems.
A while ago, while trying to evolve from Eastern liberal Republican to rabid conservative presidential candidate, he put on a big show about being a hunter to endear himself to gun owners. Sadly, he didn't have much of a record in applying for hunting licenses.
Rather than be accused of embellishing like Al Gore, Romney explained that he didn't need a hunting license to hunt "varmints." But being from Massachusetts, Romney's "varmints" sounded more like "vah-mits," which sounds sickening.
The "vah-mits" bit his behind so hard that his campaign became infected. Soon Republicans will take Romney out behind the barn and call on Fred Thompson to play a conservative, just like he does on TV.
But back to Hillary. Ponder Hillary using her Chicago accent, then her New York accent, then going hillbilly and Black Female Preacher, rounding her vowels, then twanging them hard, all within the span of few minutes.
Just ponder that one, if you will.
It might help if you had a whittling stick, and a rocking chair and a blue-tick hound sleeping at your feet, perhaps with flies on his behind, maybe a jug. But I didn't have those, neither.
So I just had to think on it a piece without these pondering aides, and ciphered it out.
What really burns her critics' britches is that Hillary uses Southern accents and gets away with it and they can't.
And they're worried what she's capable of, if elected president, traveling overseas on Air Force One, visiting the various world capitals. She's so good with accents that she's liable to speak English with a French accent, or hillbilly with a German accent, and trick all those foreigners into loving us again.
Arriving in Paris -- after first locking Bill up in a monastery to keep him safe -- President Hillary would wow the French:
"But of course, I am zo proud to eet zese fries of freedom in zis countree, no?"
In Berlin, knowing they still love President Kennedy for proudly claiming he was a "Berliner" during the Cold War, she might say, "Velcome me pleeze, because I ahm a jelly doughnut, too, yes?"
The world might be ready for Daisy Duke diplomacy.