Contiuation of Where I am today
Contiuation of Where I am today
Since 1999 the pain got worse until I had to stop my career of waiting tables. I called it a career because it was all that I knew. I waited tables for 18 years. In 1995 I had to stop waiting tables and go on state disability. Then when disability ran out I still was not working, I went back to school.
My pain would come and go. I was at the ER three times in the year 2001. They said it was panic attacks. Now I know different, it is the FMS and Lupus or at least one of them. I know they both cause chest pains. I have to be careful because when the chest hurts and goes down the arm it seems as if it’s a heart attack. It’s not always but it could be so I have to really watch and not just use the FMS or Lupus as the excuse because many people with FMS and Lupus have had heart attacks and did not catch it in time because they thought it was FMS or Lupus.
In 2001 I was going through a lot of stress with my son as you already read the stress made the panic attacks and the FMS and Lupus was triggered from the stress at least that is what I believe I am not a doctor but that is what I see as I look back and remember how I felt. I did not know this at the time because I did not even hear of FMS. I heard of Lupus but did not know what it was, and the doctor never said anything about FMS or Lupus to me. They just said it’s the arthritis and my weight. I lost 60 pounds at that time and still was in pain but the weight helped myself esteem and having positive frame of mind helps to deal with pain. I gained that weight back and more when I was going through court when my son and mother took me to court. I admit I used food like a drug and just accepted myself fat.
Than as time went on the more pain I was experiencing I got sick and tired of it and since I don’t have insurance I searched all over the net about FMS and food eating healthy. I found lots of information and started to change my eating as I mention above in previous paragraphs about losing weight. Losing weight is hard when taking the meds. I am losing a lot slower then I used to but also it could be age as we get older it is harder to get off. I was warned that but I did not listen I thought I knew it all in my early 20s.
In January 5th 2004 I started to eat healthier and loose weight, I feel much more positive. My self-esteem is better. My muscles still hurt. My weight loss did not help the pain of FMS or Lupus. The weight loss just made it easier because I am carrying so much weight it helps a little with standing on my feet. I could not stand and cook in the kitchen for long periods of time because my back hurt, now I can stand fifteen minutes on my feet and then I have to rest. I have been told by some friends that when I loose all my weight then the pain will go away. The doctor say’s that is not the case because FMS is a neuromuscular disease not in my joints. FMS affects your whole body. It feels like having the flu and it never goes away. Lupus feels that way also but it also affects the joints and I feel pain in the stomach. I think FMS and Lupus affect the stomach and bowl problems come from both FMS and Lupus. I don’t sleep well at all. I am up every 2 hours, some nights. I can’t get to sleep and I just stay up. I am not getting the rest I need.
I used to dance Ballet and Jazz so it has not been easy to accept this malady. I used to be in shape and could do so much and now I feel like I am a 80-year-old in a 42-year-old body. It is not fair. Life is not always fair but this is the way it is. I have to accept it, go on with life, and make the best of it. We are not here for ever. I may as well enjoy the life I have, and continue to be positive. Some days are better than others. I do not know what to expect from day to day. Some days I can walk better than others. Some days I can do more than others. Some days I can’t do anything but lie down and change positions from bed to the couch, to sitting at the computer. I sit with a heating pad on different places on my body to ease the pain. The heating pad became my best friend. I meditate. That really helps me feel better mentally and physically.
I am taking it a day at a time as I learned in the 12-step program with alcoholism and drug addiction. I now see what living in the moment means much more now. I enjoy the little things in life much more than before I mentioned using a cane. Well since November 2003 I use a cane to walk with. In April of 2004 I received a wheel chair from a church that donates them to people who need them. It has not been easy to accept this. My ego and pride get in the way. I have done a lot of crying over it but now I am accepting it much better. I do a lot of talking with God. My way of praying is talking to God like I talk to people. I try to sit and be still to hear answers. Breath in and out to get through the pain when I am in flair ups with FMS. All that in the above paragraph about the wheel chair was written before I found out I had lupus. I had no idea about Lupus at that time I just felt like I was dying. The pain was so bad. Now with the right meds I hope to feel better but I am just starting the meds as of August 2004 so it will take time to really know if they work or not.
Writing helps me to accept and deal with my emotions. Writing is a tool I use often. I belong to a wonderful group for sober members who deal with disabilities and many of them have FMS and have Lupus, so it helps me see I am not alone. I know I am not alone. God is always with me, but some days it gets hard to accept what is happening and it is nice to share with others who are going through similar things. We can love each other and share and put smiles on each other’s faces.
As for my schooling, I put it on hold since the court. I lost everything; the house, car and all the credit. I had to pay for the court fees. Then two years later as you have already read, I receive a letter from welfare to pay welfare for back pay from 2001 until he is 18 and so that will be five years of paying for my son to live in an abusive home. I was paying when I was working but now that I am disabled I am not able to pay. I am still getting back on my feet. Life happens. We have to go on and I am going on with my life. When I was working I paid welfare now that I am not working I just continue to get letters from welfare. I continue to send letters to them back explaining why I am not working and I am appealing disability.
As of 2006 I have been off and on many different medications for Lupus. I am still not in remission. I have gained back the weight I lost from the medications and of course from eating. I have to let go of that too. The miracle is that my attitude is changing because of God. I am not the disease of Lupus. I am the I AM of God. God is within me and I have to remember that all of the physical life is an illusion. When I remember that I can deal with my physical condition it is just part of my experience right now.
Another miracle in my life is I found my Birth mom on March 8th 2005
I am blessed from God. I started my search in 1999 and in around 2001 I gave it to God saying to God “If it is for the highest good for her and I to find my birth mom let it be. I don’t want to interfere in her life.” I left it in God’s hands and now I have my mother in my life. We met for the first time in March the 13th 2005.
My mom and I talk on the phone every so often in first year that I found her. I saw her 5 times. I have not seen her to often because of my health but I did go and visit her, at her house for a week in September of 2007. I plan to visit her and she plans to come visit me so we can see each other a few times a year. We do communicate with each other on the phone.
Thank you God for bringing her into my life.
Update May of 2006 I was accepted to get on Social security disability so that has been a big help to have insurance since I am always seeing doctors and in and out of the hospital the last few years. I want to thank you for taking the time to read my journey through life. I was encouraged to write my story in book form many times. I almost gave up but because of God and Phil and many others on the net I continued to write.
I wish you the best in this journey called life and even more I wish you God,
Angela
Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras
By Angellady
© 2007 Angellady
(All rights reserved)
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