The Day I Cried Out To God
This is long......so I warn ya if you do not have the time to read....its better you dont! LOL|
'THE SHORT VERSION' LOL
I had gone through many trials and tribulations in my life, as many have, and mine were no better nor worse than anyone else's. In fact, I know many have suffered much more than I ever have. Anyway, all my years I fought them alone. Either keeping all the pain inside, or ignoring just what was happening and moving on without a second thought.
But one day, I just didnt have any strength left in me. None. I was downstairs in a room, weeping uncontrollably. I did not want my children to see, and surely knew my 'then' husband wouldn't care, for he was alot of the problem at that time.
I remember sitting there just weeping, and then just looked up and cried out to Him in a low voice. 'Father, I cannot do this anymore, I need You so desperately! I need You in my life. I need Your strength to endure...I need Your guidance and direction. I am not mixing this with miracles or anything that would suggest such, but I did have a peace after that. I was able to stand up at least and stop weeping, and move on as I have so many times before. But something was different. Before, I knew there was a God, but I never prayed to Him, well hardly ever prayed to Him, didnt acknowledge His existance most the time, and continued on fighting with my own strength. But after that day, calling out to my Lord, I had this desire to know more about Him. A desire to pray more, and to think of Him in my daily life. That was the first of my journey. And to think of that day, compared to where I am now, well, I KNOW that if I hadn't cried out to Him and continued on in standing up to the giants in my life without Him as my weapon and shield, I would not have become the woman I am today. (not that I am saying I am all that) I am grateful to Him, forever grateful.
A few years later, I remember driving to the lawyer's office, and it was just a beautiful sunny day all around. And when I got out of the car...closed the door....I looked up to the Heavens, sighed, and thanked HIM for getting me there. For without His strength, direction, and encouragement, I would still be miserable and in a marriage of coldness and abuse. I looked up at the Heaven's and said 'thank You Lord' for bringing me here to this place. Now I am not talking about just the idea of Him letting me know it was ok to divorce, by the way, I did pray long and hard about it, and did receive a sign from Him that it was ok, however, I am also talking about what HE had done for me 'inside' and is still doing. Well I can't say that it was easy, not by a long shot. I had two small children at the time, and a few short moments a time or two, asked myself what in the heck am I thinking? But thank GOD HIS strength overpowered me to continue on. That same year was the biggest trial I've ever had to face to this date. I laugh about it now because without the Father holding me up during that time, I know I would have lost myself in it completely...but dont get me wrong....I did have a complete breakdown. In that year, along with the divorce preceedings I was dealing with, I was fired from my job (my fault for most), I had lost both my grandmothers within two months time, and they were my family pretty much, and my house was being foreclosed. This all happened within a few short months. Well, needless to say, if I had gone through all of that on my own strength, I have no idea once again, the person I would have become by this time. But praise be to GOD, HE heard me that day I weeped for HIM, and knew I would need HIM then. My journey throughout the years, and it has been 10 years plus a few short months, has been quite a ride let me tell ya. I will not go into details, no reason to....the point is...if I hadn't cried out to my Father that fateful morning, my entire world, my entire being would have turned out much different....that is a given. His strength and love, to this date, and forever more, got me through it all. I depended on Him and He carried my burdens. I had faith in Him that all would be ok. I relied on Him that there would be food there to feed my children, and there was by the way...still no clue where it came from, accept the miracle of my Lord and Savior.
Today, as I said, over 10 years later, I am about to be a grandmama. =) My daughter has married a wonderful man. I just finished a two year degree of college, my son is grown and I have high hopes for him. My self-esteem has grown. Confidence in myself has grown. My love for others is much greater because of HIS love for me. I have discovered myself, who I am and what I am about. My likes and dislikes...because I didnt even know that...my entire life was built upon abuse and pain. I had no idea who I was or what I was except a mother that was doing her best to love her kids. They were my only focus...and I tried to hide any pain from them as much as I could. (not that I didnt make mistakes along the way, because making mistakes at that time was an understatement).I have a roof over my head, and a car to get me where I need to go. I have good friends that have been like His angels to me throughout this journey, where they came from I do not know accept He was in control of it, and I have family...not blood....(other than my children) but Gods family. What I did not have before, my tears that day, gave me what I have today. Many have asked me, 'what does it take to find JESUS?' I always say the same....'cry out to Him...for HE knows your heart, and dries your tears. He knows of your sincerity, and your faith, and will never leave you, nor forsake you.' ...and I believe this with my whole heart...how could I not? I do know, for a fact, that without Him there would be no joy in my heart...no contentment in this life, and I would still be trying to fight those giants alone. He did not give up on me then, nor ignore my tears....how could I ever give up on HIM? How could I ever ignore His love? How could I ever doubt Him. He has brought me through the hell of my life, from not only years of abuse I had to struggle with in marriage, but years of abuse I struggled with my entire life as far as I can remember....and HE knew I was tired. I had no fight left in me....no hope in myself whatsoever....but my hope opened up before my eyes by the LORD'S love for me. HE became my hope...He became my strength, He became the love of my life...and I will never again have to fight the giants of this world alone.
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